Active Listening & Empathy

Why This Matters for Engineering Leaders

Your 1:1s are only as good as your listening. Engineers are often reluctant to share problems – they’ll say “everything’s fine” unless they trust that you’re genuinely listening and won’t weaponize what they share. The leaders who get early warning signals about attrition, burnout, team conflict, and blocked projects are the ones who listen at depth, not the ones who ask the most questions.

Levels of Listening

Not all listening is equal. Most people operate at Level 1 or 2. Leadership effectiveness requires Level 3 and occasionally Level 4.

Level	Name	Focus	What You’re Doing	Example
Level 1	Internal Listening	On yourself	Hearing words but thinking about your response, your experience, your agenda	Engineer says “I’m struggling with the migration” and you immediately think about your own migration experience
Level 2	Focused Listening	On the other person’s words	Actively tracking what they’re saying, understanding their content	You hear the words clearly and can summarize what they said accurately
Level 3	Global Listening	On the whole person	Hearing words + tone + pace + body language + what’s NOT being said	You notice they said “fine” but their voice dropped and they looked away
Level 4	Generative Listening	On what’s emerging	Listening for potential, for what wants to happen, for the insight that neither of you has yet	In the conversation, a new idea emerges that neither of you walked in with

How to Practice Each Level

Level 2 (Focused): After someone speaks, mentally summarize what they said before responding. If you can’t summarize it, you weren’t listening.

Level 3 (Global): Start noticing mismatches between words and energy. “I’m excited about this project” said in a flat tone. “Everything’s fine” with a sigh. Name what you notice: “You say you’re fine, but I’m picking up something else. What’s going on?”

Level 4 (Generative): This happens in the best 1:1s and coaching sessions. You’re not trying to solve their problem – you’re creating space for them to hear themselves think. The breakthrough comes from them, not from you.

Empathic Listening

What Empathy Is (and Isn’t)

Empathy	Not Empathy
“That sounds really frustrating”	“You shouldn’t feel that way”
“I can see why that would be upsetting”	“At least it’s not as bad as…”
Sitting with their emotion without trying to fix it	Immediately jumping to solutions
Trying to understand their experience from their perspective	Projecting your own experience onto theirs
“Tell me more about that”	“I know exactly how you feel – when I was at Adidas…”

The Empathy Trap for Problem-Solvers

Engineers and engineering leaders are wired to fix things. When someone shares a problem, the reflex is: analyze -> diagnose -> prescribe. This is useful for bugs. It’s destructive for humans.

Why: When someone is emotionally activated, they can’t process solutions. They need to feel heard first. If you jump to solutions, they feel dismissed – even if your solution is perfect.

The fix: Ask “Do you want me to help solve this, or do you just need to vent?” This simple question shows respect and lets them choose. Most of the time, once they’ve been heard, they’ll solve it themselves.

Covey’s Empathic Listening Framework

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit 5: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Four autobiographical responses (what most people do instead of empathic listening):

Response	What You Do	Example
Evaluate	Agree or disagree	“I think you’re overreacting”
Probe	Ask questions from your frame of reference	“But did you try talking to them?”
Advise	Give counsel based on your experience	“What you should do is…”
Interpret	Explain their motives based on your analysis	“The reason you feel that way is…”

All four center YOUR perspective. Empathic listening centers THEIRS.

Empathic listening means: Reflecting their content and feeling back to them in your own words, without adding your interpretation.

“So you’re feeling frustrated because you put a lot of work into the proposal and it feels like it wasn’t seriously considered.”

Motivational Interviewing for Leaders

Motivational Interviewing (MI) was developed for clinical settings but is powerful for leadership conversations – especially when you need someone to change behavior without ordering them to.

Core Principles (OARS)

Principle	What	Application
O – Open questions	Ask questions that can’t be answered with yes/no	“What’s making this project harder than it needs to be?” instead of “Is the project hard?”
A – Affirmation	Acknowledge strengths, efforts, and values	“I can see you’ve put real thought into this approach” (not hollow praise – specific and genuine)
R – Reflective listening	Mirror back what you hear, both content and feeling	“It sounds like you’re torn between pushing for quality and meeting the deadline”
S – Summary	Pull together themes from the conversation	“So what I’m hearing is three things: the scope feels unclear, you don’t feel supported by the PM, and the deadline feels arbitrary. Is that right?”

When to Use MI as a Leader

• An engineer knows they need to improve but isn’t taking action
• Someone is resistant to a change (reorg, new process, different role)
• You want to help someone find their own motivation rather than imposing yours
• Career development conversations where the person is stuck

The key insight: People are more likely to change when they articulate their own reasons for change than when you tell them why they should change.

Powerful Questions

The quality of your 1:1s is determined by the quality of your questions. Powerful questions are open, curious, and forward-looking.

Questions by Category

Understanding the situation:

• “What’s really going on here?”
• “What have you tried so far?”
• “What’s the hardest part about this for you?”
• “What are you not saying?”

Exploring emotions:

• “How does that make you feel?” (simple, underused, powerful)
• “What’s the emotion underneath that frustration?”
• “What would it feel like if this were resolved?”

Generating options:

• “If you had no constraints, what would you do?”
• “What would you advise a friend in this situation?”
• “What are you afraid might happen if you tried X?”

Creating accountability:

• “What’s the first step you’ll take?”
• “What will you do by our next 1:1?”
• “What support do you need from me to make that happen?”
• “How will you know you’ve succeeded?”

Career development:

• “What work energizes you? What drains you?”
• “Where do you want to be in 2 years?”
• “What skill, if you developed it, would have the biggest impact on your career?”
• “What’s holding you back that you haven’t said out loud?”

Questions to Avoid

Bad Question	Why	Better Alternative
“Why did you do that?”	Triggers defensiveness; sounds like an accusation	“Walk me through your thinking on that”
“Don’t you think…?”	Leading question; you’re telling, not asking	“What do you think about…?”
“Is everything okay?”	Invites “yes” and closes the conversation	“What’s on your mind?”
“Can I give you some feedback?”	Triggers anxiety regardless of the answer	Just give the feedback using SBI
“How’s the project?”	Too broad; you’ll get “fine”	“What’s the biggest risk on the project right now?”

Non-Verbal Communication

What to Watch For

Signal	What It Often Means	What to Do
Arms crossed	Defensiveness, discomfort, or simply cold	Note it but don’t over-interpret. Watch for clusters of signals, not single cues
Leaning back	Disengagement or processing	If paired with silence, they may need space to think. Don’t rush to fill it
Leaning forward	Interest, engagement	They’re tracking. Keep going
Avoiding eye contact	Discomfort with the topic, shame, or cultural norm	Don’t force eye contact. Create more safety around the topic
Quick nodding	“I want you to stop talking”	Pause and ask what they think
Touching face/neck	Discomfort or self-soothing	They may be uncomfortable with the topic. Check in: “How are you feeling about this?”
Vocal pitch change	Emotion rising	The topic you just touched matters more than they’re letting on verbally

Non-Verbal in Virtual Settings

Reading non-verbal cues on video is harder but not impossible:

• Camera angle matters: Looking down at a laptop camera reads as disengaged. Eye-level camera reads as present
• Facial micro-expressions: Easier to read on video than in person because the face fills the screen
• Audio cues dominate: In virtual settings, tone, pace, pauses, and sighs carry more information than visual cues
• Gallery view vs. speaker view: Use speaker view during 1:1s to read the person better

The Silence Skill

Silence is the most underused tool in a leader’s communication toolkit.

Why leaders avoid silence: It feels uncomfortable. It feels like you’re not adding value. It feels like you should be talking.

Why silence works:

• It creates space for the other person to think deeper
• It signals that you’re not in a rush
• It often surfaces the real issue – people fill silence with what matters most
• It shows confidence (uncertain people fill every gap)

How to use it:

• After asking a powerful question, wait at least 7 seconds before speaking again
• Count silently if you need to. 7 seconds feels like an eternity to you but feels like respect to them
• If they start to speak and then stop, stay quiet. They’re getting to something important
• After they finish speaking, wait 2-3 seconds before responding. This small pause communicates that you’re considering what they said, not just waiting for your turn

Anti-Patterns

1. The “Fix-It” Listener

Jumping to solutions before the person has finished explaining the problem. They don’t feel heard, and your solution may miss the real issue.

2. The Interrogator

Asking rapid-fire questions without pausing to listen to answers. This is information extraction, not listening.

3. The One-Upper

“Oh, that happened to me too, and mine was even worse…” This shifts the spotlight to you and minimizes their experience.

4. The Distracted Listener

Checking your phone, glancing at your laptop, reading Slack during a 1:1. If the conversation isn’t important enough for your full attention, reschedule it.

5. The Premature Summarizer

Summarizing what they said before they’ve finished saying it. “So basically you’re saying…” while they’re mid-sentence. Let them finish.

6. The Advice Giver Who Doesn’t Ask

“What you should do is…” without being asked for advice. Check first: “Would it be helpful if I shared my perspective, or do you want to keep thinking this through?”

7. Empathy Without Action

Listening deeply, validating feelings, and then doing nothing. Empathy without follow-through becomes performative. If someone shares a real problem, close the loop: what will you do about it?

Practice Plan

Listening is a skill. Like any skill, it improves with deliberate practice.

Week	Focus	Practice
1-2	Level 2: Focused listening	In every 1:1, mentally summarize what the person said before responding. Ask “Did I get that right?”
3-4	Silence	After every question, count to 7 before speaking. Notice what happens in the silence
5-6	Level 3: Global listening	Track one non-verbal cue per conversation. Note mismatches between words and tone/body
7-8	Powerful questions	Prepare 2-3 questions before each 1:1 from the list above. Notice which ones unlock real conversation

References

• Covey, S. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Free Press. – Habit 5: Seek First to Understand is the foundational text on empathic listening.
• Whitworth, L. et al. (2007). Co-Active Coaching. Nicholas Brealey. – The three levels of listening model originated here. Essential reading for coaching-oriented leaders.
• Miller, W. & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. Guilford Press. – The OARS framework and the clinical research behind it. Chapters 1-5 are relevant for non-clinical use.
• Stanier, M.B. (2016). The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More. Box of Crayons Press. – Seven practical questions for leaders. Short, actionable book.
• Rosenberg, M. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press. – Framework for empathic communication that separates observation from judgment.
• Scharmer, O. (2009). Theory U: Leading from the Future as It Emerges. Berrett-Koehler. – Level 4 (generative) listening theory. Dense but profound.
• Brown, B. (2018). “The Anatomy of Trust.” Dare to Lead. – The BRAVING inventory for understanding what builds and breaks trust through conversation.